STUDYINGGGG

sooo its 2am and i am currently studying for physiology. part of me wanna just go home and go to sleep and vow to try harder next time or cram like i never crammed before..its redic. I REALLYYYYY need to do good this semester but i have problems encouraging myself smh.  huhhhh long night

SUMMER IS OVERRRRR

Summer is over and im officially a Junior in College (woot woot). This summer was challenging to say the least. I fought with my mom all summer long, seriously we get along so well but this was rediculous. I left OP and prob ruined my chances of decipleship but not that bummed about that just because i feel like CO do more damage to my walk  than good. So maybe its better than i will be at a arms lenth with the body, rather than in it and always worried about gossip or what people think of me and my relationship w/ Jesus. other than that i am happy that i ended the summer with Jeremy with a 12 day vacation in florida. I prob will never forget it because it was ahmazingggg. we went to disney parks, busch gardens, miami, ft lauderdale. We went to amazing resturants, everything. And Jeremy was the BESTTTT. He was so sweet and just everything ahhhhhh i love him.! but yeaa after a lot of STRESSSSS about money and classes and where im living. im settling in to my new home for the year which is a hotel. lol very unconventional but im not either so it fits.

Current Faves :o)

 Hi Loves :) so there has been a few things that i have been crazy about lately and i want to share. i think imma do more post like this because i want to experiment with alot of things to just find like my Holy grail products so yeaa will update but here are some currents.

Beauty n Health :

So for a toner and pore minimizer i have started using Dickensons Natural Witch Hazel. its all natural so its pure witch hazel and i just love how it seems to tighten my skin (which i guess minimizes the pores) and gets rid of dead skin around the dry areas on my faces and replenishes it. ive noticed a smoother look also. i use this before i apply makeup and nightly along with my usual face cleaner (clean and clear black head remover) and makeup removal wipes.

So ive ditched the Carmex (lip crack) lol. I love this stuff and it was like 2 bucks. unlike carmex which soon as it dries up it freaking leaves your lips feeling and looking worst than before, it actually penetrates my lips and i feel like i only use it 2 or 3 times a day, well as i was applying carmex 6x a hour. so yeaa i think a good buy.

OmG so i looooove this stuff. its called Define my Curls from the naturally you Motions line. I have went natural with my hair so i love the way this stuff literally defines my curls. i have naturally curly hair but when my hair is dry they turn in to curly fros. This product just eliminates the frizz and keeps it curly. It smells great also. The only downsize is that you have to completely saturate your hair and it leaves your hair feeling a little rough and crunchy. this is like step 2 of the line so im anxious to try all the other products that your supposed to use inline with.

P.S another quick product ive been using but isnt exactly new (just to me) is using Hydrogen peroxide as a teeth whitening agent. i just swish around for 10 mins a day so cant wait to see the outcome. i l have only been doing it for 2 days....

Style and fashion:

so i recently bought some Toms and i love them. there really comfy and idk why but i decided on Navy Blue. I was 2 seconds and 10 dollars away from buying the hot pink ones but i think these are more universal and wearable. I completely buckled down to the fad because i can admit i thought these were butt ugly when they first came out but i like em now. they just kinda grew on me...

I have been on a nail polish frenzy lately. I have decided to just really keep up with my nails because its a simple way to look put together and clean, instead of my usual chipped and need a fill in look. i change my polish every 4 days or 6 if i really like it and vowed to never get my nails professionally done since they ruin my nail beds and are expensive over time. i have really been into neon and matte colors lately

I guess its the young woman tryna break outta my teenagey mindset (im 20 so those days are over) but ive been really into dresses lately. i always, well not always,loved dresses in the club/nightlife sense but ive been into day time sundresses now more than ever. only things is i have long legs so its hard tryna find a balance but yeaaa..

PS. ive been shopping (alot) lately so ive added alot new tops to my closet and i wish i had time and knew how to make a collage of all the new things ive bought. i also have been trying to add different accessories (NOT costume jewelry eww) but just pieces that stand out like cute belts or head scarves so yeaa just kinda wish i had a better eye for those things..also new make-up and actual lipstick(i thought i would NEVER be into lipstick) is some things ive been doing lately.

July 11 2012: MidSummer Update

Sooo its been like a month and alot of things have changed since my last update (almost everything lol). but for starters im home like a month early from OP just because like since Day 1 things were just not like i expected it to be. I argued with my room alot and just felt on the defense like the whole time there, just from alot of different situations and i thought i would grow better with my relationship with Christ at home without all the distractions. I kinda regret it only cause my decision was super hasty and i was super mad at the time but whatevvv everything happens for a reason and i also think me and Jesus really need time alone here in my room where i can really focus on him and his Word (i sound crazy lol) but yeaa me and Him know what i mean. secondly there is NO more hot rod cuz he was just an dog (Atomic Dogg-in my Madea voice lol) but me and Jeremy decided to move more seriously. i dont know tho just cause im not exactly pro-long term relationships, i actually hate them. but he's a marine and im in school so i wouldnt be able to see him anyway. and yeaa i cut and dyed my hair so there is no need to update for hair pics but im alllll natural. my hair is super curly now i love it lol.  theres just sooo much else thats changed in my life but thats really only what applies to me so yeaa..

MY TIME AT HOME

heyy loves!! so i have been on summer break for about a month and so far so good. i do admit i thought i wouldve been in way more stuff because i was having so much fun on breaks and stuff but its been pretty dead. the biggest thing that has happened is I GOT A CARRRR. it doesnt feel real because i have to get everything in set and im also leavin for OP in a week sooo yea but hopefully if everything goes my way. ill be able to bring it to school :))). things are still going good with my babe :) lol. he's been occupying most my time since i been home and baby its been a rollercoaster of emotions. I like him alot and since the way we connect and flow and have been inseperable, im crazy about him. ofcourse as sweet as he is, he's still a man and will fail me so its been pretty hard to check my feelings and keep a level headed.also for some reason, and i been feeling this way since like day -3 (lol). i really feel this is gonna be either a good experience or the biggest heartbreak. idk i can generally tell within the first couple times hangin with someone whether or not they might be around for long and i feel he will, i just dont know whether good or bad. but after a dumb couple of days and pettyness, im really feeling him still so yaaaaah we will see :-/. but yeaa on a better note opeezy will be here in a week.! crazy but exciting. imma miss hot rod (lol) like crazy but yeaa if its meant to be, itll be. i hope by the end of this 2months im sucha stud :P(ugh) lol  but forreal i hope i get a better and stronger faith in my lord and try to live a life pleasing to HIM!!!!!

so this guy..

so about this guy..well he's perfect lol. since ive been home we have been together non-stop. i realllly like him, i just wished things werent moving as fast as they were. but i cant wait till see how things play out..

quick update: May 4th-new guy

So i just wanna start by saying this is the freaking last day of school!!!  im officially a junior. well if i dont get kicked out seeing how i just BOMBED my spanish final and physiology smh..but at worse ill be APed..but anywhoodles the reason for this blog is just to remember and document this moment. So recently i met a guy on fb and let me start by saying supposedly 1 in 4 relationships start online in this era but its still embarrasing. and whats worse is that i hit him up cuz he liked all my pics and was a cutie lol but whatevv. but yeaa i fully expect it not to go anywhere but i just wanna remember this moment cuz like ever since we started talking and texting its been like non-stop smiles and giddiness and excitement. thats a HUGE thing for me cuz i rarely feel if that makes any sense. i feel like i just walk around numb and oblivious to things and feelings so its nice to feel. (i sound weird but i cant explain it). but yeaa i meet him forreal later on today or tomorrow and im fully expecting him to have like a cripple knee or hes retarded or something because things like this always happens to me. i end up liking a guy and something rediculous happens. I really dont think he would fit into Gods plan with my life so thats why i just know it will end up stupid like everyother guy i liked (i should really start videotaping my "love life" its seriously funny some of the stuff that happens to me, i need a MTV show) but yeaa a little about him that i grasped so far is like perfection. he's 22, a electrician own crib own car, no kids and single...too good to be true right. but yeaa and the things he says just hit me, like he was forreal raised right.  but ever since i typed him "if you went to merrillville why havent i seen yu" we have been talkin nonstop. from wakeup to sleep.  but nevertheless i am super excited to see how everything plays out. like its unbelievable the way he holds my attention. my other two theories is tht A: he in fact is perfect but doesnt like me (happens all the time) or B: he is perfect and we like eachother and have an amazing time together and i dont wanna leave ,and this is the devils trick to try to stop me from going to OP. but yeaa i cant wait to see how this goes. and also at home we have no wifi so its prob gon be a lil time built between different post...and i cant think of nothing else thats been goin on besides the usual b

But to be continued lol

The thing i just absolutely do not play with: MY RELATIONSHIP WITH JESUS

So im definitely calm about the situation now cuz at first i wasnt but it still pisses me off.  a couple days  someone said i wasnt a christian. WTF? that is just something i cant freaking deal with is someone telling me about my walk with Jesus. Ok me as in ME (myself), i question it sometimes because i fail all the time and just alot of things. but i heard every real christian questions themselves for the simple fact God is perfect and we are not so its hard to accept and remember and deal with were perfect in his eyes and even though we do deserve his wrath and hell, were not going to get it. becoming a christian i see alot of my sin that i once didnt. (i mean i always knew i sinned but i never really cared until i became a christian) so of course im gonna question whether my faith is strong enough for Him cause i see how messed up i am but at the end of the day if God allows me to see it, I confess and run back to Him and identify with being a christian, its just so freaking hard. if this wasnt real to me i would not freaking be going thru this and this would not be so hard. its easy to live and sin but im trying to die to mines and just cuz im not freaking broadcasting it to the world about how im so condemned or how i found victory in it doesnt mean im not trying . But yeaa a friend and me were talking and she told me about a conversation she and someone else had about how they dont think im a true christian and that pissed me off. Like seriously im always getting spiritually picked on by people lol. i really dont care what i say in front of people cause im not a phoney and im not about to pretend to be someone im not, so people always come up to me tryna be all profound and what not preaching at me. and like forreal that would be totally fine with me if i asked them to or felt like they were doing it because they ginually (spell check) care for my walk but i just think people love to hear themselves talk and look for people so they can puff up there chest honestly. and i guess im a easy target. i know im not spiritually mature yet and not where i wanna or need to be. but i appreciate my childlike faith sometimes, and not making it harder than it needs to be. but whatever..i just would never try to judge someone else's faith or atleast say it to them. but yeaa on that note..i really think im about to just keep my distance with some people.... and its funny i just checked my daily scripture and it was peter 3:8-9 which talks about unity and brotherly love and dont repay evil so i guess it was a sign. idk how i am gonna balance the effect of how a friendship with people but not wanting to get close to people for fear that they will see my sin and judge me on it. it sucks it has to be like that cuz if u cant be vulnerable with the body..then who with? maybe i just need to get involved with a different ministry.

my "yolo" day lol

let me first start off by saying i hate that term yolo..its just funny to me. i like saying it after stupid things but whatevv. so its like 6:40 am and i woke up cuz it felt someone was staring at me or sum..i hate that feeling. but yeaa yesterday was dubbed yolo day by me and lonnise for no reason lol. it just started when we were just yoloing around and ended up at the tattoo shop and i finally got my nose pierced! i looove it.  it was a party so we went there also and idk i hated it. i thought i looked pretty cute and even had my freakin boobs out but niggas was not giving me the time of day. Last year when i was a freshmen, dudes was on my heels. i literally left every party with a new person i ended up talking to. this year nobody likes me lol. up till this point i just thought i was old news but ive come to the realization God be blocking lol. but forreal he do. it was these gorgeous alpha dudes there from another school and the wackest females was gettin chose. i was really pondering like ok since last year, im defnitly gettin thicker and ive started wearing make-up that be looking fye so its not me...its the dudes obviously. i got like really fed up by the time night was over. idk what is goin on with me cuz i neeever use to  1)compare my self to other girls really and 2) hate on another chick for gettin chose by a sexy dude. i had a convo a while back with my mom about how im gonna be alone forever and stuff like that cuz  no one likes me and she made a comment that just kinda stuck with me about how God has favor on my life and how he is protecting me from unnecessary bull, i remembered this comin in the crib after the afterparty. God is sovereign and he wont put me in any temptations i cant get out of. I feel like lately i have been vulnerable and God is babying me as weird as that sound. its just like a million things could be going on or how easy it would be for me to meet a fine no good dude to knock me off  my square and distract me from Him but i feel like he is literally shielding me from those things. If one of those sexy alpha dudes was like "yo baby yo" all in my ear aint no doubt i wouldve been all in they face, leaving to chill with them or sum. at the after party (wack) females was all on they laps drinkin and smoking and prob got it in with them, so lookin back im happy things played out the way it did and God knew what was best. I talked with my mommy and told her my thoughts and she was just like seriously its all God and a dude could see me notice how im pretty and not even know WHY in his head, he is not interested in me or want to get on with me,i hope she right...

but anywhoodles heres pics i like

told u i was looking cute lol

 my nose piercing..its super small and i wish it was farther up but i like it :)

idk why i love this pic lol

I ADORE THIS PIC FOR SOME REASON..

MY HURRR lol

soo after years and years (well basically my whole life) of not truly taking care of my hair, ive recently decided to put forth the commitment and effort. i've vowed to stop gettin perms ( its been like 8mths) and adding glue or sew-ins to my hair. as well as braids because my hair is just so thin and when i got micros my edges were like plucked off.

So my new hair routine consist of washing my hair 1x every 2 weeks with motions lavish conditioning shampoo (this is subject to change lol) . After each wash i deep condition. (i looooove organic root stimulator olive oil replenishing pack.) every time i add heat which includes blow dry and flat iron,  my hair i serum it completely with organic root stimulator olive oil heat protectant. i grease my scalp with carrot oil from organic root stimulator. now im thinking about switching to pure coconut oil or castor oil. i might not tho cuz this product includes both but i researched and castor oil makes your hair thicker. but i been hearing good things about this jamacan black oil so ill prob try it. but ummm yea i grease my scalp probably like once or 2x a week depending if i feel my hair is parched. i also use some organic root stimulator olive oil and use that on my hair and ends particularly. i did not preplan to use all ORS products but they just accumulated and i kinda like it. i also plan to trim my ends like once every 2mnths but yeaa the purpose of this post is to keep progress of my hair growth so im going to upload a hair pic. but yeaa other things im considering is argan oil. i heard it seals split ends instead of having to trim it. i also been seriously considering taking biotin pills but i can not for the life of me swallow pills and have some fear of choking. soooo tht may not happen but i reallllllly want my hair to grow and stop relying on clip in extensions (which is the only form of weave ill use now). im like a month in this routine sooo it can change because i want to find different products i feel that can work for me. but yeaa my plan is to upload a hair pic every 2 or 3 months no matter how discouraging i get if i feel my hair not growing lol also idk why my hair wont friggin grow even..its soo short in the back and longer on sides but whatevvv. i think its cuz of my ponytails or something

besides my hair other body updates that are different is that i stopped paying to get my nails done and just buy nail polishes and i loooove it. i hate feeling like i need a fill in and get tired of looking at the same nail design soo this is soo much better and i save $$$$ of course hehehe but yeaa...

the backkkkk

ughhh its soo freaking thin its like see through. smhfhfghfhhh

AHHHHHH LAST WEEK OF MY SOPHOMORE YEAR OF COLLEGE :D!!!

OOTD: Levi skinnies, like a 5yr old rainbow shirt, levi shoes, Celtics snappy =))

OOTD....chucks, wetseal matte leggings, and cut-up sweater courtesy of Carmen's closet lol

 *shrugs*

hmmmm very pinteresting..

i just wanna talk about my obsession lately. PINTERST!!! i loveee it. its like this smorgousborg of things all on this website with different ideas for clothes, makeup, food, DIYs, photograpy, everything u can think of. I seriously planned my whole wedding, decorated a house, have an imaginary closet, and picked out family photo ideas lol. its super time consuming for me cuz it everytime you refresh the page its a whole new freakin page of things. i appreciate the thing cuz i feel it made me more girly in a sense. it makes me wanna paint my nails, do my hair, dress nicely yadayadayada. but the downside is.is that it makes me want soooo many things aka covet. i have all these ideas on how i want my dream house to look and stuff and if i end up in a shack my feelings are gonna be hurt. but anyy wayy i adoreee this. and speaking of adoree..i love the name Brooklyn Adore' and Carter Jace <-----see smh pinterest has me all into my future while my grades are redic' lol

yeaaa....

I just wanna start out in saying that i procrastinate sooo much. I have so much homework i need to do its redic. It use to be a time that i would procrastinate or stay up late but i would always get my stuff done. Its at the point where its like forget everything i wanna eat or sleep or chill or whatever...idk whats my problem, i even did a no call no show today. But anywhoodles, im just gettin in from a pot luck. a great night of fellowship i just really wish i would stop lettin things get to me still. this week has been kinda bomb just alotttt of things i guess. Tuesday was a mess cuz we went to fridays and a series of events played out that i dont wanna get in to that lead to me cursing out the manager and losing a "friend". but in my defense the manager was rude but whatever i emailed him cuz God was weighin in on my heart about the things i said so i apologized for not being Christ-like. The manager kicked me out and my friend came along to but my other friend stayed in and had a full course meal while we waited outside for her for 40 mins. Idc how close i was to somebody or associate or whatevv i wouldve never let that go down. She physically seen the manager put me out and on top of that it was cold. RIDICULOUS. and then sent us some lil ratchet text messages basically tellin us its over and done with .B**** please.  i think the only reason i got mad was because i wouldve neva did that but i guess everyone dont think like me...

The rest of the week was decent..just school . Even though its sunday i really cant remember what i did friday but saturday was cool..I got pissed off alot tho. I just hung out with everybody. Today like i mentioned was a Potluck and yeaa thats it (i made shrimp scampi cajun pasta).  and btw I also been noticing me going on other peoples twitter./fb like people i graduated with and looking at there pictures comparing our lives since its been a couple years..idk what that means like deep down

but heres pics i took

I made shorts :D which is like a big deal for me cuz i cant do anything..like i have no talents sooo i was excited i did something creative

im mad i couldnt get a good pic of my makeup..but i looooved it. it was like super smoky silver..

 i look nasty smhh..glad my hair done now

 jus pics from the potluck

a rainbow :)

HUGHHH i just wanna get outta here!!

When i imagined life in college, Indiana State was NOT supposed to be the move. I envisioned me at a HBCU greek somewhere just livin life to the fullest. First off, ISU has no greek life! and even if no one admits it, that was makes a school. So take away greek life= no parties, step shows, probates, excitement, and fun. this shits just dead all around. its alot more than that, that makes me wanna leave tho.But people like me cant afford out of state tuition soo im stuck here. I would go to a different school but my GPA is too low to go to IU or Purdue and by the time i work hard to get it up, ill be done with my Junior year and about to be a senior ready to graduate and theres no point. luckily, most schools dont have out of state tuition for grad school so thats when im gettin the eff up outta here.(excuse the language, but im excited). i really feel by that time imma be over college and the whole hbcu thing so i really wanna go to like a big city like LA or Miami and just work and go to school there and grab an apartment or something. im scared just thinking about it but im even more scared of going my life and not living it the way i want to. i wouldnt even mind stayin in chicago and living somewhere like hyde park. I just really pray that in the mean time Lord blesses me with contentment in my life with him alone.

this would be a bomb apartment downtown..idk but i like small places

big city dreams forreal

"Just Be Cool and Yourself"

I have a problem of saying whatever comes to my mind and more often than not, its wrong. I'm like really struggling on whether i should i just try to censor myself and portray something of an Ideal godly women or just being me. now let me first start by saying i have every intention and desire to become a Godly woman but im not there at all yet. The real me is a goofy laid back chill person. and we should all know what a godly woman is (well i still figuring out what that is). but yeaa i feel like when im around other christians and i'm myself they judge me. i feel like some people pretend and i can totally see when some people are faking and tryin to be more than they are. I dont know which is worse honestly (being yourself or pretending to be more godly than u are). For like a day i decided i wanted to act like i was more godly and shield my struggles in front of people, but i decided if i was gon change for anyone it would be for God and he would have to do that for me cuz i clearly can change on my own. I have this problem especially when i think about when im around guys. for some reason around CO is like a big deal if you like someone and  if like they you. now for a while i tried to resist my urges to speak my mind and say reckless things (now when i say reckless i dont mean "really reckless", i know the things that shouldnt be said around christian guys).. because i wanted to be liked by the guys but i had a serious revelation. So what if i tried to have people thinking im way more spiritually mature than i am, and they fell for me than when we get married they find out that i have sooo much learning to go.(hypothetically of course). thats not fair, and another thing is ,the guy i know God has for me gon like me..the real me. so at this point is whatevvv. imma just be me. im not gon try to fake and pretend like everything is just peachy clean in my walk with God when it isn't. i think what im trying to get at is that imma be REAL. i feel like that word is thrown around so much and everybody wanna be real. but when i say imma be real i mean imma be real with myself and if im real with myself imma have to be real with others...

"so if Jesus was risen from the dead doesnt that make him (something we should just all know but never say outloud) a zombie?" lol

Lol the title is reference to it being Easter!! lol. but im mad i completely slept through church till like 7pm. i had the cutest outfit and everything. but yeaa this week has been deso. just alot of work n too much school. my physiology moved this test up two days so im currently in this library for an allnight cram sesh. Oh, i went to this thing called Secret Church on (good) friday. it was 7hr church service about suffering that basically took us through the bible. it was Ahmazzzing. i left not tired at all (it was like almost 3am). i was just completely mystified by God. In other news i got over that nigga <Thank the Lord>. so that was like the Highs of the week. The lows of my week was that my family is falling apart now that my Grandmother's will was read. my mom and aunties got into it bad and i think its gon take a min before things are patched up. money changes people and adults are set in their ways and stubborn so yeaa, well see. another low was everybody gettin on my case about my bikini pic. I went to a pool party, which was fun cuz the entire campus had a blackout and it temporarily cracked on campus. but yeaa i snapped a pic and i loved it. im just now startin to like my body and embrace my skinnyness and up until this point i would have never put a pic like that on fb cuz i have 0 curves but i was like whatevv but i got rebuked like hell. anyway its gon now cuz i realized it culd cause people to stumble (even though i wouldnt know why cuz ,i reiterate, my 0 curves. but yeaaa i guess.

heres " The Pic " that caused mayhem among my fam

heres a pic of my new hat that im in love with ^_^

and another one. and p.s im startin to looove doin makeup. im ofcourse still a newbie but i feel like im trying to do different looks, you cant really see but i tried a heavier smokey eye

IMMA GET KICKED OUT OF SCHOOL :(

that weekend..March 30-April 1st

Sooo this weekend was really interesting..on wednesday i had to come home to attend my grandmother's funeral. i thought everything wouldve set in but it STILL doesnt seem real. Her funeral was beautiful.We all wore white to match her. I wanted to share the gospel and talk there but i can hardly move without crying. She had grandmother writtin in her casket. I was happy she looked totally different tho. I was also happy that the gospel was shared and the verse i wanted to use in Thessalonians about grieving was used (GO JESUS!) so felt God still did what i couldnt. the repast was nice. i was proud my family did it really big. im also grateful that since then my family put in effort to stick together (everyone but my mom). we went to the movies and dinner, ant they went skating the next day. (random thought: i wish i dressed like fran from the nanny...my bad nw watching) but anyway it was enjoyable. i stayed at my dad's house so it was fun to catch up with him. on saturday night i hung out with my friends from home which was  HI-LARRY-OUSS. i slipped up with the drinking :( but not enough to get drunkk. ummmm the next morning i went to school and now here i am...just got in from some friends house and now doing hom(ew)ork and watching TV..

P.S i finally realized that im old..well 20. Seeing all my cousins and how grown everybody is/looked made me check me out. im like an adult. that is crazy to me lol. i mean my cousins have families and jobs/careers now. where did the time go?!

My weekend: March 23-25

My weekend was really uneventful but i still had a lot of fun if that makes sense. On friday i was still recovering from losing my Grandmother so i was just tryna keep real busy so i wouldnt be left alone in my thoughts. I spent a night on thurs/fri at Tyler's which was real good to catch up. I went to class and stuff and just hung out like normal. I had thee best convo when i went to Sherea's house with her about my walk and i was glad i ended up there because i was supposed to go to the Alpha's dime party. On sat i just spent time in my room nothing special and went to Sherea's house again. I had fun cuz alot of people were there and i'm finding it better and more fun hangin out with my christian friends fellowshiping than hanging out gettin drunk sometimes. Sunday was sooo good for me cuz church was ahhhhmazing, i went to work and got the greatest breakthrough about dealing with my grandmother's death. I hung out with my friends and thru different convo's just realized how important it is to guard my heart. so yeaa even though i didnt do nothing suuuuper spectacular, i felt that God really reached out to me and revealed some things to help me grow in my walk. :D

R.I.P Grandmother :-(((

My Grandmother who just passed. I was going thru alot but i just loved the the verse in Philippians " Why do you grieve, Where is your hope?" Jesus defeated death..

Sooooo i have been watching this video like crazy. i think this is hilarious and these dudes are finna blow up. So i wanna show the world i was down from the beginning lol.

My Secret..

My secret is my fear of being alone forever. Lol i know alot of people are scared of that but mine is like a legit fear. I dont wanna say or feel like im co-dependent but i wonder that alot. I know that god does call some people to singleness and if i am called to be that i dont wanna be depressed forever lol. So i always try to work on being content but it is soo friggin hard. I NEVER believe people when they say they are content in their lives. but yeaa is something that i work on constantly cuz i do believe its something you can achieve but only if you are older for some reason.Thats like the biggest aspect of my prayer life is that i desire god more than i do a man. but yea my struggles<<<. I always wonder if there is something wrong with me because im 20 and i never been in love. I've had relationships but none had any REAL feelings if that make sense. Some i liked a little, others i felt numb and just played the part. i think my 9month crush...ughh( >:-( lol) but yeaa any way i think thats the closest i been to love cuz i have a lot a feelings there and i love how something they did can make me feel really happy, or really sad..i just like feeling emotions like im a person and not a robot. my mom says im lucky but i dont feel that way. Even when i see girls get hurt by the guys they love i get jealous cuz atleast their still feeling. but yeaa that's just something i think about a little too much. and probably my biggest secret cuz i never talk about this subject. I casually say i want a boyfriend or want to get married but that's like my biggest desire. i think love can make you weak and i really try to be strong..but sometimes i would like that weakness. hughhh idk i just love, love lol. its sooooo freaking irratating tho cuz its just everywhere i look. love is constantly around me. it seems like i always have guys try to get on with me or whatever but no one has ever made the effort to really pursue or get to know me and make something serious with. its just always casual u kno. thats the cutest thing to see a (georgeous...woah spell check) guy just completely inlove with a girl and willing to do any if everything for, and i dont wanna leave the earth without a guy feeling that way for me. but whatevvvv i  would feel way worse if i was like 40 or 50 saying this so thankfully im young and i cant wait to see how this area of my life grows. but yaaaa sorry for gettin all vulnerable hahahaha

 soo umm yeaa this was the picture i took when i was in deep thought with all this lol

I really like this pic. how do i get it to stay at the top???

My wishlist: Short-term goodies i want.!

 I just need another northface cuz im tired of wearing the one i have i guess, and the pink and black one is suppah cute

When the ipod touch came out i thought i would neverrrr get one, but i got 2 now lol. That's kind of how i felt when the first ipad came out but it doesnt seem that far out of my reach like it once did so yeaa im already knowing and just planning and to get this because i get tired of lugging my laptop around in my book bag cuz it hurts my back

 I wanna go on the Coach outlet online store. All there purses were like $60+ but it's real coach so that is a steal

 I want/need clip in extensions. I recently got hooked onto 14+ inch weaves and i just love how feminine super long hair make me feels. I decide to be really proactive about taking care of my hair so im done with sew ins, glue ins, all that so i think these will fit perfectly. My next paycheck is devoted to this lol

 I smelled it in my glamour magizing and it is ahhhmazing. i love perfume but i never buy expensive ones so i'm excited to invest into some designer perfume cuz i always just wanted to walk past someone and my smell just hits them. that always happens to me with other people but i wonder vice versa..

 I wonder if this works on black hair...but anywhoo the informercials sold me and i realllly want this and it was at wallyworld for 100 bucks which is redic' to me but imma try to find it online for like $60 and then i might consider.

 How everyone is into this TOMS craze, im still stuck in sperrys. i dont have none which is wack cuz they sale them for dirt cheap inside the mall shoe outlet but i always forget. i need them in cheetah print alsooo

 This is the Galaxy samsung phone i want alot. Im waiting till the the price goes down a little more before i cop but idk if i'll ever. I have a slide up phone now and that is the only thing that saves my android from freezing all the time is when i slide it back n forth so idk if i wanna just have an ALL screen phone cuz i already know itll irritate me. I really want an Iphone

these are just a dream in my head lol. i know i would never fork over $400 for some earphones let alone the extra money the jeweled out ones will cost. But the quality is really good on Beats by Dre but at the end of the day its still the same music but yea this is just a luxury item. I dont really plan on getting this like everything else on my list.

March 16-18th, 2012..my weekend: "i aint effin with the africans no more"

 me in the rec waiting on the girls to change. idk why i chose this face..

 told you i looked like a slore at this party.  i look weird also

Me omw to work in my new strappy heels :-)

Sooo even tho this weekend aint over yet (its sat night 4:08am.. i guess sunday morning ) tomorrow is a study day so im pretty sure it'll be uneventful so i'll just fill you in on my weekend. Its like the first hot weekend now that winter is over (80s in march :o)) so i was pretty excited cuz everybody know, soon as a little hot weather come everybody wanna be on something. Well it was a waste lol. I had a spanish test on friday morning so all thursday night i stayed up in the library to cram so i pretty much slept thee entire day away after classes. but anywhoo saturday rolls around. Since i slept all day friday of course i was up through the night so with all my energy i decided to get extra dressed up for work because i bought these black strappy heels at wetseal.com for $15 (STEAL.!) and i had them for a month and never wore em. so i decided today was the day. I had lunch and got in the word (Bible-studied) until work started. My job shifts are only 3hour longs so after that omw home i met up with a friend who said they were going swimming so i just decided to tag along. Swimming was eventful because that's where i decided to make this wonderful blog hehehe. i just really got a chance to relax and reflect on some things ya kno. but when i went to lay out in the sun with the people i came with i met this girl and she was just telling me how she's a bully and love telling people there ugly and a whole bunch of BS. I absolutely hate people like that because i was bullied before but i kept that information to myself, and just tried to observe and psyco-analyze her. (not in a creepy way, just a lil perspectively) but anywhoo i dont like to keep company with people like that cuz its just bad energy so i just shrugged her off. which is SOO rare for me cuz  i love meeting new people and friendships but i can do without that one. but after that i went to eat and have lunch with some girls and made a trip to walmart where we were caught in a storm ( Lonnise-"my eyyeeee, my eyyyeeee" lmaooo- sorry long story) but yeaa. after that we just kinda chilled. i was mad i was still dressed in my swimsuit w/ a black cover up on that made me look extra skanky and just happen to run into alll my brothers-in-christ smhh AWWWKWARD. But after that we decided we were going to check out this lil' kickback and once again all i can find to wear was something that made me look like a slore but whatevvv. the party was wack so we decided to check out this other party thrown by the dun. dun. dun. (lol) africans. I had managed to really fight my struggle and convictions with drinking, to hang out sober that night which was sooo friggin hard. i had to remind my self that HE is worth it. meaning Jesus is worth me dying to myself and things i want to do that offend him. i felt like a alckie cuz i wanted to drink so bad smhhh but anyway i didnt but still ended up past out sleep on some steps cuz i was going on 30+ hrs of no sleep. i was awaken when one of my friends caught her bf in some room with another chick (smhh niggas). but she confronted the girl and her bf had to restrain her suppa rough. i had tears in my eyes cuz it look like it hurt and she was crying but that just brings me to my point WHYYY DO FEMALES GET MAD AT THE OTHER FEMALE WHEN THEY CATCH THEY DUDE UP?? when she was cryin n stuff i assumed it was cuz he put his hands on her but it was cuz she was mad at the chick still. wtffff???? i guess i just think differently cuz if i catch my dude slippin im on his case not the other chick (unless she get disrespectful cuz then it turns to some totally diff). the dude makes the committment not the side chick so why get all mad why the dude just standing there in looking. but like i said not everyone thinks like me.. but yeaa the reason why this is entitled "i aint effin with the africans no more".. is because im not. its always something smh. and they think its coo to yell and put they hands on women apparantly... and they smell . just not my scene smh. but there goes my weekend. like i said tomorrow should remain uneventful. hopefully i just work and study all night with no interruptions and past this test. imma stop crammin...

What's going on in the world today: the president is Obama. Gas is $4 a gallon. Whitney Houston just died. yeaa thats all i can think of lol

What's going on in MY world: my favee artist is Drake. My grandmother is sick with cancer :((. I just got hooked on make-up (them brittney gray youtube videos have me sooooo into hair and beauty). My closest friends are my sister's, Tanae, Chaneice, my roomie Lonnise. (everyone else is droppin like flies smh). My favorite stores are Wet seal, Charlotte Rousse, Forever 21, and Amazon (website, IK)

 I took this the other day, just a couple recent pics

I was in the library bored studying..

About Me

Hello my name is Amber.
so ummm I started this blog because i feel my life is soo interesting that i deserve my own tv show, only no one will give me one so this will do lol. But seriously I just feel that i'm at a interesting point in my  life that i feel ANYTHING can happen at any time and i just want to remember and take account all the things that are happening right now. I was sitting by the pool earlier today and i just had the most crazy feeling that something was about to change. i just really want to remember this time in my life. i never take pictures or keep or journal but i feel that this is a way i can do both.

So a little about me :)
I was born in Chicago and currently reside in northwest Indiana. I live with my mom and sister but am currently away at college finishing up my sophomore year. My life basically is the ideal college life. I am struggling to keep my grades acceptable, work a part time job, and try to fit a social life in there someway. I recently turned my life over to god by putting my faith in jesus, so there is a constant war going on within me with me wanting to live a fun full life vs. me wanting to live a life pleasing to the lord. hmmmm Lets see i am 20 years old and i just really like to have fun. i love going out with friends whether thats to a party or a restuarant. I. Just. Hate. Being. Bored.! I am currently single (sort of hehe). But i love that life. Ummm about my family, Im really family oriented and they mean the most to me!!. I havent quite figured out what i wanna do with my life, i feel like i can end up anywhere (hence why i want to have this blog, so i can look back in the future :) but i really am leaning into becoming a physician's assistant just cuz they make bank $$$ lol. and flexible hours and i love helping people yadayadayada stuff like that. but yeaaaa that's all i can think of :/