My secret is my fear of being alone forever. Lol i know alot of people are scared of that but mine is like a legit fear. I dont wanna say or feel like im co-dependent but i wonder that alot. I know that god does call some people to singleness and if i am called to be that i dont wanna be depressed forever lol. So i always try to work on being content but it is soo friggin hard. I NEVER believe people when they say they are content in their lives. but yeaa is something that i work on constantly cuz i do believe its something you can achieve but only if you are older for some reason.Thats like the biggest aspect of my prayer life is that i desire god more than i do a man. but yea my struggles<<<. I always wonder if there is something wrong with me because im 20 and i never been in love. I've had relationships but none had any REAL feelings if that make sense. Some i liked a little, others i felt numb and just played the part. i think my 9month crush...ughh( >:-( lol) but yeaa any way i think thats the closest i been to love cuz i have a lot a feelings there and i love how something they did can make me feel really happy, or really sad..i just like feeling emotions like im a person and not a robot. my mom says im lucky but i dont feel that way. Even when i see girls get hurt by the guys they love i get jealous cuz atleast their still feeling. but yeaa that's just something i think about a little too much. and probably my biggest secret cuz i never talk about this subject. I casually say i want a boyfriend or want to get married but that's like my biggest desire. i think love can make you weak and i really try to be strong..but sometimes i would like that weakness. hughhh idk i just love, love lol. its sooooo freaking irratating tho cuz its just everywhere i look. love is constantly around me. it seems like i always have guys try to get on with me or whatever but no one has ever made the effort to really pursue or get to know me and make something serious with. its just always casual u kno. thats the cutest thing to see a (georgeous...woah spell check) guy just completely inlove with a girl and willing to do any if everything for, and i dont wanna leave the earth without a guy feeling that way for me. but whatevvvv i would feel way worse if i was like 40 or 50 saying this so thankfully im young and i cant wait to see how this area of my life grows. but yaaaa sorry for gettin all vulnerable hahahaha
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