The thing i just absolutely do not play with: MY RELATIONSHIP WITH JESUS

So im definitely calm about the situation now cuz at first i wasnt but it still pisses me off.  a couple days  someone said i wasnt a christian. WTF? that is just something i cant freaking deal with is someone telling me about my walk with Jesus. Ok me as in ME (myself), i question it sometimes because i fail all the time and just alot of things. but i heard every real christian questions themselves for the simple fact God is perfect and we are not so its hard to accept and remember and deal with were perfect in his eyes and even though we do deserve his wrath and hell, were not going to get it. becoming a christian i see alot of my sin that i once didnt. (i mean i always knew i sinned but i never really cared until i became a christian) so of course im gonna question whether my faith is strong enough for Him cause i see how messed up i am but at the end of the day if God allows me to see it, I confess and run back to Him and identify with being a christian, its just so freaking hard. if this wasnt real to me i would not freaking be going thru this and this would not be so hard. its easy to live and sin but im trying to die to mines and just cuz im not freaking broadcasting it to the world about how im so condemned or how i found victory in it doesnt mean im not trying . But yeaa a friend and me were talking and she told me about a conversation she and someone else had about how they dont think im a true christian and that pissed me off. Like seriously im always getting spiritually picked on by people lol. i really dont care what i say in front of people cause im not a phoney and im not about to pretend to be someone im not, so people always come up to me tryna be all profound and what not preaching at me. and like forreal that would be totally fine with me if i asked them to or felt like they were doing it because they ginually (spell check) care for my walk but i just think people love to hear themselves talk and look for people so they can puff up there chest honestly. and i guess im a easy target. i know im not spiritually mature yet and not where i wanna or need to be. but i appreciate my childlike faith sometimes, and not making it harder than it needs to be. but whatever..i just would never try to judge someone else's faith or atleast say it to them. but yeaa on that note..i really think im about to just keep my distance with some people.... and its funny i just checked my daily scripture and it was peter 3:8-9 which talks about unity and brotherly love and dont repay evil so i guess it was a sign. idk how i am gonna balance the effect of how a friendship with people but not wanting to get close to people for fear that they will see my sin and judge me on it. it sucks it has to be like that cuz if u cant be vulnerable with the body..then who with? maybe i just need to get involved with a different ministry.

my "yolo" day lol

let me first start off by saying i hate that term yolo..its just funny to me. i like saying it after stupid things but whatevv. so its like 6:40 am and i woke up cuz it felt someone was staring at me or sum..i hate that feeling. but yeaa yesterday was dubbed yolo day by me and lonnise for no reason lol. it just started when we were just yoloing around and ended up at the tattoo shop and i finally got my nose pierced! i looove it.  it was a party so we went there also and idk i hated it. i thought i looked pretty cute and even had my freakin boobs out but niggas was not giving me the time of day. Last year when i was a freshmen, dudes was on my heels. i literally left every party with a new person i ended up talking to. this year nobody likes me lol. up till this point i just thought i was old news but ive come to the realization God be blocking lol. but forreal he do. it was these gorgeous alpha dudes there from another school and the wackest females was gettin chose. i was really pondering like ok since last year, im defnitly gettin thicker and ive started wearing make-up that be looking fye so its not me...its the dudes obviously. i got like really fed up by the time night was over. idk what is goin on with me cuz i neeever use to  1)compare my self to other girls really and 2) hate on another chick for gettin chose by a sexy dude. i had a convo a while back with my mom about how im gonna be alone forever and stuff like that cuz  no one likes me and she made a comment that just kinda stuck with me about how God has favor on my life and how he is protecting me from unnecessary bull, i remembered this comin in the crib after the afterparty. God is sovereign and he wont put me in any temptations i cant get out of. I feel like lately i have been vulnerable and God is babying me as weird as that sound. its just like a million things could be going on or how easy it would be for me to meet a fine no good dude to knock me off  my square and distract me from Him but i feel like he is literally shielding me from those things. If one of those sexy alpha dudes was like "yo baby yo" all in my ear aint no doubt i wouldve been all in they face, leaving to chill with them or sum. at the after party (wack) females was all on they laps drinkin and smoking and prob got it in with them, so lookin back im happy things played out the way it did and God knew what was best. I talked with my mommy and told her my thoughts and she was just like seriously its all God and a dude could see me notice how im pretty and not even know WHY in his head, he is not interested in me or want to get on with me,i hope she right...

but anywhoodles heres pics i like

told u i was looking cute lol

 my nose piercing..its super small and i wish it was farther up but i like it :)

idk why i love this pic lol

I ADORE THIS PIC FOR SOME REASON..

MY HURRR lol

soo after years and years (well basically my whole life) of not truly taking care of my hair, ive recently decided to put forth the commitment and effort. i've vowed to stop gettin perms ( its been like 8mths) and adding glue or sew-ins to my hair. as well as braids because my hair is just so thin and when i got micros my edges were like plucked off.

So my new hair routine consist of washing my hair 1x every 2 weeks with motions lavish conditioning shampoo (this is subject to change lol) . After each wash i deep condition. (i looooove organic root stimulator olive oil replenishing pack.) every time i add heat which includes blow dry and flat iron,  my hair i serum it completely with organic root stimulator olive oil heat protectant. i grease my scalp with carrot oil from organic root stimulator. now im thinking about switching to pure coconut oil or castor oil. i might not tho cuz this product includes both but i researched and castor oil makes your hair thicker. but i been hearing good things about this jamacan black oil so ill prob try it. but ummm yea i grease my scalp probably like once or 2x a week depending if i feel my hair is parched. i also use some organic root stimulator olive oil and use that on my hair and ends particularly. i did not preplan to use all ORS products but they just accumulated and i kinda like it. i also plan to trim my ends like once every 2mnths but yeaa the purpose of this post is to keep progress of my hair growth so im going to upload a hair pic. but yeaa other things im considering is argan oil. i heard it seals split ends instead of having to trim it. i also been seriously considering taking biotin pills but i can not for the life of me swallow pills and have some fear of choking. soooo tht may not happen but i reallllllly want my hair to grow and stop relying on clip in extensions (which is the only form of weave ill use now). im like a month in this routine sooo it can change because i want to find different products i feel that can work for me. but yeaa my plan is to upload a hair pic every 2 or 3 months no matter how discouraging i get if i feel my hair not growing lol also idk why my hair wont friggin grow even..its soo short in the back and longer on sides but whatevvv. i think its cuz of my ponytails or something

besides my hair other body updates that are different is that i stopped paying to get my nails done and just buy nail polishes and i loooove it. i hate feeling like i need a fill in and get tired of looking at the same nail design soo this is soo much better and i save $$$$ of course hehehe but yeaa...

the backkkkk

ughhh its soo freaking thin its like see through. smhfhfghfhhh

AHHHHHH LAST WEEK OF MY SOPHOMORE YEAR OF COLLEGE :D!!!

OOTD: Levi skinnies, like a 5yr old rainbow shirt, levi shoes, Celtics snappy =))

OOTD....chucks, wetseal matte leggings, and cut-up sweater courtesy of Carmen's closet lol

 *shrugs*

hmmmm very pinteresting..

i just wanna talk about my obsession lately. PINTERST!!! i loveee it. its like this smorgousborg of things all on this website with different ideas for clothes, makeup, food, DIYs, photograpy, everything u can think of. I seriously planned my whole wedding, decorated a house, have an imaginary closet, and picked out family photo ideas lol. its super time consuming for me cuz it everytime you refresh the page its a whole new freakin page of things. i appreciate the thing cuz i feel it made me more girly in a sense. it makes me wanna paint my nails, do my hair, dress nicely yadayadayada. but the downside is.is that it makes me want soooo many things aka covet. i have all these ideas on how i want my dream house to look and stuff and if i end up in a shack my feelings are gonna be hurt. but anyy wayy i adoreee this. and speaking of adoree..i love the name Brooklyn Adore' and Carter Jace <-----see smh pinterest has me all into my future while my grades are redic' lol

yeaaa....

I just wanna start out in saying that i procrastinate sooo much. I have so much homework i need to do its redic. It use to be a time that i would procrastinate or stay up late but i would always get my stuff done. Its at the point where its like forget everything i wanna eat or sleep or chill or whatever...idk whats my problem, i even did a no call no show today. But anywhoodles, im just gettin in from a pot luck. a great night of fellowship i just really wish i would stop lettin things get to me still. this week has been kinda bomb just alotttt of things i guess. Tuesday was a mess cuz we went to fridays and a series of events played out that i dont wanna get in to that lead to me cursing out the manager and losing a "friend". but in my defense the manager was rude but whatever i emailed him cuz God was weighin in on my heart about the things i said so i apologized for not being Christ-like. The manager kicked me out and my friend came along to but my other friend stayed in and had a full course meal while we waited outside for her for 40 mins. Idc how close i was to somebody or associate or whatevv i wouldve never let that go down. She physically seen the manager put me out and on top of that it was cold. RIDICULOUS. and then sent us some lil ratchet text messages basically tellin us its over and done with .B**** please.  i think the only reason i got mad was because i wouldve neva did that but i guess everyone dont think like me...

The rest of the week was decent..just school . Even though its sunday i really cant remember what i did friday but saturday was cool..I got pissed off alot tho. I just hung out with everybody. Today like i mentioned was a Potluck and yeaa thats it (i made shrimp scampi cajun pasta).  and btw I also been noticing me going on other peoples twitter./fb like people i graduated with and looking at there pictures comparing our lives since its been a couple years..idk what that means like deep down

but heres pics i took

I made shorts :D which is like a big deal for me cuz i cant do anything..like i have no talents sooo i was excited i did something creative

im mad i couldnt get a good pic of my makeup..but i looooved it. it was like super smoky silver..

 i look nasty smhh..glad my hair done now

 jus pics from the potluck

a rainbow :)

HUGHHH i just wanna get outta here!!

When i imagined life in college, Indiana State was NOT supposed to be the move. I envisioned me at a HBCU greek somewhere just livin life to the fullest. First off, ISU has no greek life! and even if no one admits it, that was makes a school. So take away greek life= no parties, step shows, probates, excitement, and fun. this shits just dead all around. its alot more than that, that makes me wanna leave tho.But people like me cant afford out of state tuition soo im stuck here. I would go to a different school but my GPA is too low to go to IU or Purdue and by the time i work hard to get it up, ill be done with my Junior year and about to be a senior ready to graduate and theres no point. luckily, most schools dont have out of state tuition for grad school so thats when im gettin the eff up outta here.(excuse the language, but im excited). i really feel by that time imma be over college and the whole hbcu thing so i really wanna go to like a big city like LA or Miami and just work and go to school there and grab an apartment or something. im scared just thinking about it but im even more scared of going my life and not living it the way i want to. i wouldnt even mind stayin in chicago and living somewhere like hyde park. I just really pray that in the mean time Lord blesses me with contentment in my life with him alone.

this would be a bomb apartment downtown..idk but i like small places

big city dreams forreal

"Just Be Cool and Yourself"

I have a problem of saying whatever comes to my mind and more often than not, its wrong. I'm like really struggling on whether i should i just try to censor myself and portray something of an Ideal godly women or just being me. now let me first start by saying i have every intention and desire to become a Godly woman but im not there at all yet. The real me is a goofy laid back chill person. and we should all know what a godly woman is (well i still figuring out what that is). but yeaa i feel like when im around other christians and i'm myself they judge me. i feel like some people pretend and i can totally see when some people are faking and tryin to be more than they are. I dont know which is worse honestly (being yourself or pretending to be more godly than u are). For like a day i decided i wanted to act like i was more godly and shield my struggles in front of people, but i decided if i was gon change for anyone it would be for God and he would have to do that for me cuz i clearly can change on my own. I have this problem especially when i think about when im around guys. for some reason around CO is like a big deal if you like someone and  if like they you. now for a while i tried to resist my urges to speak my mind and say reckless things (now when i say reckless i dont mean "really reckless", i know the things that shouldnt be said around christian guys).. because i wanted to be liked by the guys but i had a serious revelation. So what if i tried to have people thinking im way more spiritually mature than i am, and they fell for me than when we get married they find out that i have sooo much learning to go.(hypothetically of course). thats not fair, and another thing is ,the guy i know God has for me gon like me..the real me. so at this point is whatevvv. imma just be me. im not gon try to fake and pretend like everything is just peachy clean in my walk with God when it isn't. i think what im trying to get at is that imma be REAL. i feel like that word is thrown around so much and everybody wanna be real. but when i say imma be real i mean imma be real with myself and if im real with myself imma have to be real with others...

"so if Jesus was risen from the dead doesnt that make him (something we should just all know but never say outloud) a zombie?" lol

Lol the title is reference to it being Easter!! lol. but im mad i completely slept through church till like 7pm. i had the cutest outfit and everything. but yeaa this week has been deso. just alot of work n too much school. my physiology moved this test up two days so im currently in this library for an allnight cram sesh. Oh, i went to this thing called Secret Church on (good) friday. it was 7hr church service about suffering that basically took us through the bible. it was Ahmazzzing. i left not tired at all (it was like almost 3am). i was just completely mystified by God. In other news i got over that nigga <Thank the Lord>. so that was like the Highs of the week. The lows of my week was that my family is falling apart now that my Grandmother's will was read. my mom and aunties got into it bad and i think its gon take a min before things are patched up. money changes people and adults are set in their ways and stubborn so yeaa, well see. another low was everybody gettin on my case about my bikini pic. I went to a pool party, which was fun cuz the entire campus had a blackout and it temporarily cracked on campus. but yeaa i snapped a pic and i loved it. im just now startin to like my body and embrace my skinnyness and up until this point i would have never put a pic like that on fb cuz i have 0 curves but i was like whatevv but i got rebuked like hell. anyway its gon now cuz i realized it culd cause people to stumble (even though i wouldnt know why cuz ,i reiterate, my 0 curves. but yeaaa i guess.

heres " The Pic " that caused mayhem among my fam

heres a pic of my new hat that im in love with ^_^

and another one. and p.s im startin to looove doin makeup. im ofcourse still a newbie but i feel like im trying to do different looks, you cant really see but i tried a heavier smokey eye

IMMA GET KICKED OUT OF SCHOOL :(

that weekend..March 30-April 1st

Sooo this weekend was really interesting..on wednesday i had to come home to attend my grandmother's funeral. i thought everything wouldve set in but it STILL doesnt seem real. Her funeral was beautiful.We all wore white to match her. I wanted to share the gospel and talk there but i can hardly move without crying. She had grandmother writtin in her casket. I was happy she looked totally different tho. I was also happy that the gospel was shared and the verse i wanted to use in Thessalonians about grieving was used (GO JESUS!) so felt God still did what i couldnt. the repast was nice. i was proud my family did it really big. im also grateful that since then my family put in effort to stick together (everyone but my mom). we went to the movies and dinner, ant they went skating the next day. (random thought: i wish i dressed like fran from the nanny...my bad nw watching) but anyway it was enjoyable. i stayed at my dad's house so it was fun to catch up with him. on saturday night i hung out with my friends from home which was  HI-LARRY-OUSS. i slipped up with the drinking :( but not enough to get drunkk. ummmm the next morning i went to school and now here i am...just got in from some friends house and now doing hom(ew)ork and watching TV..

P.S i finally realized that im old..well 20. Seeing all my cousins and how grown everybody is/looked made me check me out. im like an adult. that is crazy to me lol. i mean my cousins have families and jobs/careers now. where did the time go?!